The Pain of Change

Change is a constant across all cultures, religions, and people in general. It is something we all must deal with on some level. As we grow up, our bodies change. As we go through school or learning a trade, our skill level and understanding changes. As we work within the relationships we maintain, those change based on the decisions we make pertaining to those relationships. The bottom line is, everything is in a constant state of change. The rate of change varies between circumstances, systems, and mechanisms. One thing people dont often recognize is the pain that often accompanies change. The reason pain is present is because something is being taken away, either literally or figuratively. Sometimes, it is a loved one who is gone from our lives. Other times, it is simply the way we have been doing something that has to be given up for something more practical and more beneficial. In any case, we give up what we have known, and become comfortable with, in order to adapt to another way of being. Many people spend much of their time avoiding change or resisting it; even after it has already taken place. This avoidance and resistance only serves to create a fear of change or a deeper pain once change is embraced. Today, think about the changes that have occured in your life. Have they been for the betterment of your life? If not, how did you learn to embrace them and move on? How did you deal with painful change and what does that say about your strength and resilience as a person? I hope as you read this and as you reflect, you will share some stories of change in the comments section. It is not only through our own experience and reflection that we can grow to become stronger individuals, but through the stories and reflections of others as well.

Bigger Things

This week, I want to describe to you a situation of a couple who is working on initiating and navigating a divorce. They have been married for quite sometime and just cannot seem to make it past some of the injuries they have inflicted on one another. They have so much passion within life, but their relationship does not have enough resiliency to come back from some of the paths they have chosen within their marriage. This is a sad occasion, but as a therapist, I feel these two have reached a level of differentiation (a sense of individuality within the perspective of relationship)  that will ultimately lead to them becoming healthier individuals. The hardest part, so far, about their transition is that their grown daughter/step daughter made an attempt at suicide in front of them recently. Needless to say, this has shaken both individuals. Now, they are not only dealing with the loss of a marriage, but with the imagery and emotions that come with watching a family member attempt to end their own life. The feelings are mixed and intense and they are having a tremendously difficult time dealing with what is to come for themselves and their family.

As I have sat and reflected with these individuals about these happenings within their lives, I have realized that there are always bigger things to worry about. There are always more intense situations that can come our way than what we currently face. Many of us have probably never experienced the level of pain and fear this couple has taken on within the span of a lifetime, much less the span of a week. There is hope though. Just as there are bigger things that threaten our sanity and the well being of relationships, our minds, and our bodies; there are chances for us to rise to bigger things and accomplishments through them. Each occasion in which we feel pain, or fear, or anxiety provides us with the opportunity to rise above whatever situation is pressing down on us and become bigger or stronger than the previous version of ourselves. That is our choice, however. We may not choose each scenario, but we choose our reaction. We choose to allow ourselves to give up and be beaten or to rise up and conquer fear and pain as we move through and move on. I want to encourage you to move through, move on, and grow despite of the things that happen in your lives. Allow yourself to grow to be who you are because of how you handled hard situations in life instead of allowing yourself to become victimized by things outside of your control. We can choose to be the victim or choose to overcome the big things our lives encounter. By choosing to rise above our situation and take inventory of the strengths we gain through persevering, we move on to bigger things and find ourselves ready to face the next big thing all at the same time.   

Reflection 1

Today is the day the blog was born. So, I feel I need to bring it in with a good story right off the bat. I think of a couple I have worked with in the past, who seemed to have a desperate need to be heard. I remember thinking that they were only focused on the stories of what had happened to them in the week. As I listened to them talk to me (and to each other), I realized they were not in my office to be heard by me. They were there in order to get the other perosn to hear them and understand them on a deeper level. Some of you might think this is not a huge revelation, but as a masters student learning to be a therapist, it seemed monumental and incredibly basic at the same time. Each of these people sitting across form me was expressing a basic need to be validated through understanding. So, that is the direction we went in therapy. We worked incredibly hard on realizing that the story was not actually what needed to be heard, it was the emotion and the feelings behind the story. This couple had to work on getting the basic message of need and acceptance across to each other before either one of them could feel loved and validated within their relationship. They did well and made great progress, but left therapy before we could come to a solid conclusion, as is the case with many clients who present to therapy. 

The reason I share this specific story is because we all have the need to be validated and loved or accepted, and often times we find that by sharing our stories. Most of the time though, we can get bogged down in the details of the stories we tell as well as those we listen to. We cant see the emotion or the basic need being presented because we are worried about the car that needs gas, the bill that didn't get paid, or the kid who is immediately hungry. We don't see the weariness of the person who is worn out because they have worked so hard that even getting gas in a car seems a big task. We don't understand the fear and worry of the family who has tried to provide safety and security and now feels like they have fallen short because they missed a payment for that bill. We don't know the frustration and discouragement of the spouse who has worked all day to provide happiness and peace within a home only to have to continue to do so at the expense of their last energy reserves. Try to look past the details of the stories being told and look for the emotions and needs being expressed within them. Just do this intentionally for one day and see how close you feel to the people who are in your daily life and take note of just how much more of your stories are heard with the same sense of depth and understanding. Peace to You.

The Beginning

To all who may read;

My name is Kent and I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Associate. I have started this blog with two things in mind. The first is that I actually have a place to put down thoughts and reactions to therapy and the practice of it. The second is that you as the reader may be blessed and aided in whatever words are shared here. That being said, this blog follows specific guidelines of the ethical boundaries listed within the code of Ethics for my license. None of my clients personal information is shared here and none of the stories I will talk about contain any personal or identifying aspects. I only intend on reflecting on my role as a therapist, my realizations as a person, and my reflections as those things come to light in my practice. I hope some things will intrigue readers and challenge us as people to think more deeply about our lives and relationships, while others may simply brighten our day and work to help us enjoy ourselves a little more and help us not to take life too seriously. So, I hope you enjoy.